This blog is about my journey as a working mom when I got back to work after a long break of pregnancy and delivery. The torrent of emotions that I went through while struggling at a new job and leaving the baby away for the first time.
Five emotions of a mother getting back to work
I had left my well to do job as we had moved to the USA for some time and then we planned her. And now she was eight months old. By this time I had turned from a corporate lady working in lifestyle brands wearing well-ironed formal shirts into pajamas and loose soiled T-shirts. I had no other choice than to wear those long, loosy-poosy tees because nothing would fit me then. I had increased my weight from 53kgs to 65kgs.
Instead of struggling on a laptop, I was now struggling with putting the diapers on. I had stopped looking myself in-front of the mirror because I had to rush straight after my bath to pick her up. Life was upside down.
And then came the transformation –
I got a call from an ex-colleague who wanted me to join him in a company in his team. When you earn a will, it pays. I quickly revised my resume and in few days I was back to work as a Brand Manager again. Easy-peasy! I had set up a good day-care for her in our area. Life was getting back as it was.
But did life change back to what it was? No! Instead I was on the journey of a rollercoaster of emotions.
The five emotions while leaving the child behind for the first time.
The first emotion – Insecurity
The first day when I left her at the day-care, she was very happy. She loved the toys, new swings, and other children. And she clung into the arms of the day-care lady. No doubt she was very caring and filled with motherly feelings, but it made me insecure. What if my baby starts calling her mom? What if my baby prefers to be with her instead of me? I controlled my emotions. Dropped her there and went to work.
The second emotion – FOMO
I had boarded a metro to go to the office. And while I was focussing and thinking what best I can do in the company and how to build a good team. I heard a cry of a baby. I was frozen. A feeling inside me wanted to go and grab the baby, put her in my arms and calm her down. But I stood still. I was clueless if there is a baby in the metro or am I just imagining. I looked around but couldn’t find any. It was a feeling of FOMO (Feeling of missing out). I felt my eyes were wet.
The third emotion – Fear
I was working very smartly and the new office was settling well. But there was a fear! A fear if my baby is safe. Is she well tucked in cold winters? Eaten her meals properly? What if she is craving for me? Is she been handled properly? What if she is been hurt and I am not been told? Is she crying?
These thoughts kept forming a cloud in my mind.
The fourth emotion – under-confidence
Too much was happening in my life. Home, baby, changes in the couple relationship, and work! Amidst all this, there was another big change – and that as a big me. Will I be able to fit in my slim-fit dresses again? Even if I go shopping, I would completely cross through the entire dresses section and head to the long Kurtis section. I had lost the confidence to even try any of it. I would avoid going to the fine-dining places even on a special occasion because I felt I didn’t have an adequate dress to wear. I lost my confidence and felt I am going to live with this rest of my life.
The fifth emotion – Mixed feeling
I was really ‘happy’ at being a mother, but there was a whole set of mixed feelings that aroused. ‘Scared’ with a thought if I am doing the right thing to my baby or am I missing something? ‘Confused’ while making the right choice for her. ‘Guilt’ of leaving her behind.
What I did to combat those emotions.
I read somewhere “Not to worry for your child is like asking the water not to get wet”. We would think and worry about our child. But that doesn’t mean that we cannot do anything else. Women are meant to do multitask and they do it quite well.
Although I was constantly thinking of my baby surrounded by emotions of – Insecurity, FOMO, Fears, and other mixed feelings, I was also working on my actions which were ‘Focussed’, ‘well planned’, and ‘Getting confidence back’.
Emotions and Actions
Some small actions like these created a path and made my journey easy.
– Well researched daycare/support system with trusted people.
– Spending time with baby efficiently example, planning with daycare that baby naps at daycare and is actively playing with me when I am back from work.
– Creating a checklist so that I don’t overload my brain.
– Delegate and distribute whatever is possible.
– Start by eliminating what is less required.
Every time I would come back from work, I would see my baby happy and healthy. And this would ensure me that she is at the right place. This peace of mind would help me in staying focused and plan my day better.
I had started working out, just one hour dedicated every day with a personal home trainer and a right meal at the proper time got me back to where I was a couple of years before. And there I was back to work! Backed with confidence!
I’m sure you also went through a strong turmoil of emotions but would have adapted gradually.
I would love to hear your part of the stories when you left your baby for the first time. Was it for work? Or you attended an event without her? Or were you able to make a Me-time?
Comment below! I would also like to feature your story and get inspired.
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